Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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