Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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