Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My bed smells like the plague
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
