Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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