you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
