Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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