Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
