Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
