He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
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At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
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I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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