my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
