goodnight i made you a song goodbye
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
