found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
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remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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