Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
