I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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