and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
