it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
