I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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