My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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