I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
