hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i will never coherently bang her
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
