last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
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If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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