It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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