i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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