I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
