Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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