All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
