Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
