So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
