i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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