Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
