If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish i was in the wii world.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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