the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
