apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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