Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
