Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
