I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
