and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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