I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm really busy with my period
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