you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So I just went to clothing optional bar