Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
What did we do last night that was yellow?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
