just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
