I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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