I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
