Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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