i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
