Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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