Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
