You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
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I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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