A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
