I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
