You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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