Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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