my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
